


Something Good

by Flynne



Series: Thaddeus Ryder [8]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, side quest: out of the frying pan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 11:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18314402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flynne/pseuds/Flynne
Summary: Thad feels lost after witnessing an atrocity on Kadara. Gil helps him find himself again.





	Something Good

_“Hey, Gil? Do you have a moment?”_

Gil glanced up from his monitor at Suvi’s hail, smiling in the direction of the comm. “For you, Muffin, always. What’s up?”

There was a beat before Suvi lowered her voice and said, _“I think you might want to check on Ryder. He didn’t look well at all, and I think something bad happened. Everybody was really quiet when they got back and all Ryder said was to get us away from Kadara before he went to his cabin. Kallo’s decided to go back to the Nexus because we don’t know what else to do.”_

Gil frowned worriedly, console forgotten. “Yeah...yeah, I’ll go right away. Can Kallo cover for me?”

_"He’s engaged autopilot now that we’re past the scourge,”_ Suvi replied. _“He says he’ll keep an eye on things.”_

“Right. Thanks.” Gil switched to his omnitool as he headed for the door. “SAM? What’s going on?”

_“The ground team rescued a woman from a criminal gang that had resorted to cannibalism. She was the only survivor.”_

Gil stumbled to a halt. “They _what!?”_ His outburst echoed off the walls of the cargo bay. Something clanked down below and he looked down to see Liam hunched over a workbench, rigid with tension. He winced, raising his omnitool closer to his face to say in a harsh whisper, “SAM, _what?”_

_“It was a very difficult situation for Thaddeus and the others to deal with.”_

He scoffed humorlessly, scrubbing a hand over his face. “You don’t say.” Gathering his wits enough to start moving again, he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me something was wrong with Thad when he came back?”

_“Thaddeus is physically unharmed,”_ SAM told him. _“I would have notified you at once if he were injured. He has asked me to keep you informed. However, while I am aware of Thaddeus’ moods because of my connection with his physiology, he has not given me express permission to share his emotional state with anyone. I understand that you care for him and would want to know if he is in distress, but I do not want to violate his privacy if he would rather keep things to himself. He did not ask me to tell you, so I did not.”_

Gil huffed irritably as he slid down the ladder to the deck below. “You’re telling me _now_ , though.”

_“Dr. Anwar is the one who told you Thaddeus was distressed,”_ SAM corrected. _“I would not presume to reveal his thoughts without his permission, but if a friend notices and expresses concern, this does not constitute an invasion of privacy.”_

“You’re right,” he said with a sigh, heading down the corridor to the cabin. “I’m sorry.”

_“Your apology is appreciated, but it is not needed.”_

“Did you tell him I was coming?”

_“I did not. Thaddeus expressed a desire to be left alone when he returned. I have closed our comm channel and diverted my processes elsewhere for the time being, away from him.”_

“Oh.” Gil eyed the cabin door, suddenly hesitant. Briefly, he wondered if he shouldn’t intrude. The door was locked, but that wasn’t a barrier to him. After a moment of deliberation, he decided to go in anyway. It was what he would have done without SAM being in the picture, and he didn’t want to use the AI as a messaging service. If Thad wanted him to leave, he’d tell him face to face. “Thanks for filling me in,” he said at last. “I’ve got it from here.”

_“You are welcome, Gil. Should you require anything, you may contact me from the console on Thaddeus’ desk.”_

Gil’s omnitool gave a little chirp, signifying that SAM had closed the channel. He took a moment to silence any incoming alerts to the omnitool, then keyed in the entry code. The room was dark, but Gil could see Thad sitting on the edge of the bed, hunched over with his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. He took a cautious step, startling a bit when his foot kicked against something on the floor. Thad’s chestplate, discarded with uncharacteristic carelessness. Now that Gil’s eyes were adjusting he could see armor components scattered across the floor. He gathered them up without a word, setting them aside to be returned to the armory later.

Thad didn’t look up, didn’t speak until Gil had finished and was sitting beside him. Even then he didn’t move, only breaking his silence to ask hoarsely, “SAM told you?”

“Suvi suggested that I check on you,” Gil answered, the conversation with SAM fresh on his mind, “but SAM told me what happened.”

Thad let out a harsh breath, scrubbing his eyes with his sleeve. “Everybody was _screened_. We all had background checks. Anybody who wanted to join the Initiative - no criminal history, no history of violence, we all - ”

Gil said nothing, just leaned a little closer, lightly brushing Thad’s shoulder with his own, relieved when Thad leaned into him instead of pulling away.

“I - I can see how people turned to smuggling,” Thad went on unsteadily. “I mean - I don’t understand it, I wasn’t here when everything went bad on the Nexus, but okay, things are hard, you do what you have to do to survive, but - all we’ve done is fight each other. From the moment we got here, we’re killing each other, nobody is even _trying_ to fix it, and now...is this all it takes? We get hit with some setbacks and now we’re literally _butchering_ each other? _Damn_ it _,_ I _can’t_ \- ” His voice frayed and broke, and he curled further in on himself, burying his hands in his hair.

“Hey, come here. Come here.” Gil gathered him close, held the bowed head against his chest. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what to say.”

Thad curled a hand around his wrist, gripping as if Gil were the only thing holding him down. “Jaal was with us,” he ground out. “I couldn’t even look at him. What if he - how can he possibly want to stay? If this is what hardship does to us…what kind of _monsters_ are we?” He sucked in a breath that was almost a sob. “Maybe the Roekaar are right.”

“Don’t say that,” Gil whispered. “Please don’t. What happened was awful, but we can’t give up. If we do - ” He had to stop and collect himself, fighting off the ever present lurking fear that everything they’d done would be for naught, that all their struggles would burn out in a futile spark and be swallowed by the uncaring void.

Thad abruptly surged forward and kissed him, hard and desperate. Gil made a startled sound against his mouth and moved back. Intensity was nothing new between them but the suddenness was disorienting and he didn’t like how unhappy this felt. He wedged a hand between them and gently pushed Thad back, feeling his anxious heartbeat pounding beneath his palm. “What’s going on?”

Thad clutched at him, hid his face against his neck. “I can’t think anymore,” he said pleadingly. “I can’t. Please, I don’t want to think, I can’t have this in my head anymore…”

Gil let out a long sigh, staring down at the floor while petting absently over Thad’s hair. He wasn’t unwilling, exactly, but the idea of saying yes while Thad was so upset didn’t sit well with him. Despite what he was asking, he knew Thad wouldn’t be able to be distracted in the state he was in, and he didn’t like the idea of sex tangled up with whatever terrible things Thad couldn’t forget. Gil knew Thad wouldn’t push if he said no, but he didn’t want to do that, either. But if what Thad needed right now was comfort and contact, that, Gil was willing to provide. And if, when he was calm again, he still needed something more, they could decide on it then.

He gave Thad’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Look at me?” Thad complied, throat working as Gil brushed the bangs out of his eyes. “If this is what you need, okay,” he said quietly. “But...just let me. All right?” He waited until Thad nodded, then helped him out of his clothes.

Thad lay back, heels of his hands pressed against his eyes. Gil moved unhurriedly, setting aside his own clothing and slipping under the blanket to lay on his side next to him. Thad reached for him but Gil gently moved his hands aside, reaching up to brush the damp from Thad’s cheeks. “Let me,” he said again. “Close your eyes.” Thad was so tense he was shaking, pulse still bounding too quickly, but he let Gil lead, submitting to soft touches and slow kisses.

“I’m here,” Gil murmured against his skin. “I’m here, I’ve got you.”

It took longer than he hoped but less time than he’d feared for Thad to start calming down, but eventually he did. His heartbeat slowed and breaths evened out. Pressed close against him, Gil felt his tension drain away. Thad turned toward him and this time Gil let him, his kiss soft and lingering, without any desperation or anguish.

Gil lightly ran a hand down Thad’s side and shifted onto his back, a silent invitation, but Thad just curled against him, pressed close, legs tangled together. He simply let Gil hold him, filling his senses with the feel and scent of him and shutting out everything else. Gil rested a hand at the nape of his neck, gently rubbing below his amp.

Thad melted against him, boneless and warm. He draped his arm over Gil’s chest, nuzzling close to press a kiss under his jaw. “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he said softly.

“Well, for one, the Nomad wouldn’t run nearly as smoothly.” Thad actually laughed a little at that, a quiet sound low in his chest, and Gil smiled, relieved to hear it. “You saved a life today,” he went on, knowing Thad was in a place where he could hear it now. “Silla’s on the mend. Every day more people are getting out of cryo and seeing their families. Krogans have discovered LARPing.” Thad huffed another laugh and kissed him again.

Still cradling the back of his head in his palm, Gil placed his other hand over Thad’s, still resting on his chest. “I still…” He broke off, swallowing thickly as he gathered himself. “It still scares me sometimes,” he admitted, “remembering those days before the _Hyperion_ showed up. Wondering if...” _Wondering if we were just waiting to die._ “...Waiting for help that we didn’t even know was coming. But it did come, and things are better now. Still getting better, even if it’s hard to see it, even if I can’t explain or understand what makes people go wrong. And I have you.” He turned his head to press his brow against Thad’s. “You’re the best part of my life, Thaddeus. The worst things can’t touch me when I remember I’ve got you.”

Emotions still raw, Thad couldn’t answer. He held on to Gil with everything he had; not desperate now, but holding on to something solid and real. “You’ve got me,” he managed at last.

Gil smiled, hearing both meanings in Thad’s words. Neither of them spoke again. Gil wondered if Thad might fall asleep, but although his eyes were closed, he could tell that he was still awake; heavy against him, content to lie still and close, safe and warm in the darkened cabin. Gil sighed and kept gently rubbing the back of his neck, content to let him.


End file.
